From the Daily Scare. Date June 2012.
New raft of compulsory donations announced
The government announced today that it will push forward with its charitable efforts to provide financial aid for needy causes, having been inspired by the global reputation of the British taxpayer for generosity above and beyond the call of reason or indeed what he can afford.
Announcing the new initiative, which has been described as much the same as the old initiative only a lot newer, First Secretary of the MDI (the Ministry for Daft Ideas)Tom Money-Mafia (Con, Penury, Wilts) said:
”We have been considerably encouraged by the heart-warming success of our taxes on static caravans and take-out food. We prefer, however, to use the word ‘compulsory donations’ rather than’ taxes’ because they generously diverted into the coffers of the needy funds the tax payer would otherwise have frittered away on shoes, rent and other frivolities.”
He went on to explain that ”Operation Wringer” produced other benefits. Prominent among those benefits was the establishment of incontrovertible proof that Her Majesty’s Government can get away with almost anything provided it steadfastly ignores troublesome elements such as voters and other minorities, in the true spirit of a Constitutional Democracy.
It demonstrated as well the value both of timing and the trusted routine of announcing something nobody wants, pretending that the purpose is to “consult the people,” gauging public outrage so as to assess the likelihood of provoking a popular revolt and then waiting until everybody‘s attention is riveted upon some new catastrophe such as the Olmypic Games before slipping it onto the statute books.
Once something is on the statute books of course, and the Ministry of Threats is successfully intimidating one and all into compliance, it is notoriously difficult to get if off the statute books again.
However, the government is at pains to point out that it is not completely inconsiderate of the needs of the poor, hard-up, fed-up and desperate, albeit this is but a small seventy-five percent of the population.
As Mr Money-Mafia explained, “It is this government’s firm policy to do all we can to alleviate the distress caused by the compulsory donations and all the other new taxes that hardly anybody noticed, primarily by introducing new measures even more unpopular and thus giving everyone something worse to think about.”
At a press conference later in the day, the Prime Minister spoke briefly about the new taxes, saying, “The collapse of the static caravan and fast food industries is a small price to pay for the help we – by which I mean you – have been able to provide for the truly needy, such as Europe, banks and small countries crying out to be bombed.”
Gratified by the public’s evident enthusiasm for handing the government all its money, the Treasury has now announced proposals to extend the scheme further because the money raised thus far has unfortunately vanished into what economists are describing as a “ruddy great fiscal black hole,” the mechanics of which are too complicated to explain to ordinary people, or indeed to anyone.
These new measures are designed to raise a further hundred billion pounds of spare cash nobody has a good use for. The funds will be politely jimmied from the tax payer’s wallet and put to work for truly humanitarian purposes. The government hopes that once the public understands the nature of the help it is being forced to give, it won’t complain too much.
The new raft of humanitarian projects the government has in mind include aid to the shareholders of multinational corporations, aid to small countries ruined by idiots (Europe), drug companies still reeling from the disaster of being sued for damages by their customers and re-floating the United States.
Releasing details of the new fund-raising measures themselves, the government is at pains to reassure the British people they are being announced purely for the purposes of consultation and gauging public opinion. No firm decision about them has yet been made, except the decision to bring them into force in 2014 when everyone is preoccupied with the disaster of the World Cup.
The proposals include:
Re-introduction of the popular Middle Ages tax on windows.
A new tax on bricked-up windows.
A new tax on the use of pavements by pedestrians (to be levied by the introduction of pavement toll booths.
A new tax on static cars – to be levied by the payment of “on-the-spot” fees at traffic lights and by roving usherettes on the M25.
A tax on umbrellas, which will require the introduction of a new Ministry of Umbrella Licensing and the provision of twenty thousand jobs for those laid off in the collapse of the fast food and static caravan industries.
A so-called “Sock Tax” (tax on socks.
A tax on cats (whether static or mobile). Excludes Fat Cats.
The introduction of a so-called ”Swear Box” for the entertainment industry whereby the makers of television and film will be charged £10 every time someone uses the “f” word. This measure alone is expected to raise a hundred billion pounds per annum.
Several other revenue-raising measures were proposed by the movement CYNICS (Can You Not Introduce Common Sense:
The abolition of income tax and its replacement with a purchase tax so that people pay a fixed rate of tax only on what they spend.
A “Political Fib” tax, which is similar to the “Swear Box” mentioned above but which instead obliges all politicians to pay a fine every time they tell a lie or withhold information.
A tax on psychiatry. Under these proposals, a psychiatrist will have to pay a fixed fine every time he fails to make a patient well within five years or the patient dies (whichever is the sooner). The definition of “well” would exclude those on psychiatric medications because someone on medication, including many politicians, can hardly be described as “well.” It also excludes people who are dead.
However, a spokesman for the Treasury dismissed CYNIC’s proposals as “preposterous.”
A spokesman for CYNICS dismissed the Treasury as preposterous.
In tomorrow’ s issue of the Dissembler: National debt to reach £1.4 trillion by 2014. Government denies failure of its austerity measures as the benefits are not expected to be felt until 2030 when most of us will be dead or on medication.
Stephen Cook is a professional copywriter http://ablecopywriting.blogspot.com