Letter to a Celebrity Fitness Trainer, from a Mum

Dear Celebrity Fitness Trainer,

What first caught my eye was your bottom. I don’t believe my 3 year old has a bottom as round as that, not that I’ve ever put my 3 year old in tiny hot pants but even so. It’s great. I’m not sure my bottom will ever look like that, but well done.

In fact my bottom is probably not that much bigger than yours. Only my thighs and tummy match it, yours don’t. It seems to be a question of proportion. Maybe I could just make only my bottom even bigger than it is and then I’d have the same proportions as you?

You also had some beautiful pictures of your breakfast on Instagram. How on earth do you have time to eat like that every day! Do you like to cook or does your assistant make them look like that?

And I’m intrigued, do the flowers make you burn fat faster? I think they sell those in Waitrose, should I buy some or will ones from my garden do?

While we’re on the subject of superfoods, my doctor is refusing to prescribe me spirulina even though you told me it cures everything, even things I don’t yet have. I’m on a budget but I’m happy to forgo Christmas this year if spirulina is more important.

I have to say your last client’s post baby to red carpet transformation in 4 days was impressive. It took me a fortnight to have a shower after my first born, though I guess if it was a posh shower with free nice shampoo at a smart London gym I might have made more effort.

I am concerned that if I leave the kids at home for 4 hours a day to follow your workout regimeSocial Services might catch on. Do you think if I put safety reflectors on I could do it at night instead of sleeping, while my husband is at home with the children? I’d only stick to roads with streetlights.

Right that’s it for now. It’s been 3 hours so I must eat or my metabolism will break down and I’ll gain 4 lb by this evening. I’m off to eat an entire batch of your raw organic chocolate coconut goji pecan bars because you said they burn fat, so the more of them I eat, the more fat I will burn!

Yours Truly and Forever Confused,

a Mum

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