*Author’s Note: As this column is directed toward your horse, prop your laptop in his stall, and go down the pub for a swift half. Cheers! Right then.
Attention horses: while I know that most – if not all – of you have spooked on occasion, it’s time to learn how to do it correctly. There is a distinct art form involved, a sort of equine dance, if you will, and I’m here to make sure you don’t miss a trick.
1. First, and most obvious, is spooking at inanimate objects. Shadows, rocks, sticks, etc, are all good places to start. But don’t rule out the small and/or imaginary objects around you. The wind, tiny insects, someone’s tack left carelessly in a corner of the stable that you will never in your life have to go near. It’s important to be able to suss out danger because, as you already know, danger is everywhere. It’s far better to spook, bolt, and be safe, than to get too close to someone’s horse-eating saddle pad.
2. Never rule out spooking at people. Children, in particular, are horrible little clots around whom you should always spook, especially if they’re playing with realistic toys like dinosaurs – you never know when one of those will come to life and attack you!
3. When you’re out on the trail, be sure to spook at various-sized twigs and branches. You don’t want your owner thinking that you spook predictably at only one size of branch, so mix it up a bit and keep them guessing!
4. When your owner tries to put the bridle on you, act like you’ve never seen one before in your life and rear up accordingly. There’s absolutely no reason to allow your owner to think that after all your expensive training, you’re finally bomb-proof.
5. When spooking, pay attention to where your hooves are: one should always be stepping on your owner’s foot. You have four to work with, and it’s one of the best perks about being a horse. You’ll know that you’ve successfully stomped a human foot when the yelling starts.
6. Under no circumstances should you listen to your owner’s attempts to comfort you. She’s entirely wrong, of course, and disaster is, in fact, about to befall you if you don’t act now.
7. Rearing never hurt anyone! Do it regularly, especially when your owner tells you to do something that you don’t want to do. Try not to fall over backwards onto your human, though. They don’t like it when that happens.
8. Take any threats of shipping you off to a glue factory seriously, and run like the blazes. Keep running until you find an adolescent girl with a soft heart and willing parents. She’ll make a great new owner.
9. When your owner’s attention is focused on someone other than you, make a huge jealous fuss about it. Then, when your owner comes to retrieve you from the paddock, act like you’ve never seem him before in your life and run to the opposite side of the lot. Bonus points for yanking the lead rope out of his hand in the process.
10. And, finally, never rule out an impromptu run across a field with your owner on your back. There will be lots of yelling, but so what? Sometimes, a good run is just what the doctor ordered.
