What I am is what I project to those around me. It took several years to realize that even when I thought I was helpful or caring for others, it was not true. I had nothing to give. I wanted to be a loving mother, a great wife, and terrific teacher. I was a terrific teacher with the subject matter, but my emotional life was in shambles. My students learned the subjects well. However, I was not emotionally available. Gradually, I realized I was not emotionally available to my children or husband. I was sending out my defenses to keep myself safe. It was survival. I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt inside.
I looked for my stability, love, and saving me outside myself. I thought this would provide my wellbeing. I thought they were to supply my needs. Ultimately, they failed to satisfy my needs and I did not know how to meet my needs either. Thinking others were responsible for my unhappiness by falling short of their being able to be there for me was my focus. I blamed them for my problems. I could not see the people I picked were not there for themselves. However, I kept my unrealistic ideas that they were responsible for making me happy.
The slogan, Let It Begin with Me, altered my life in a very real way. For years, I thought if people liked my husband, they would like me. This had to change. Living my identity through my daughter and son had to stop. I had to put the spotlight on myself. When I first heard this, I could not believe that I should focus on myself and ask myself what I want. I was taught this is selfish. I knew what my husband demanded, what my children needed, and how to meet the routines for teaching. I had to know all this to be safe and out of the line of attack.
This was a lifelong embedded trait I had to address. As my children and husband left, I was without an identity. In meditation, I heard that I had to develop a realistic self-esteem and complete myself. I could not blame others anymore for my unhappiness. They did not do it to me, I did it to myself, I found out as I began taking an inventory of my life and applying spiritual principles to my life. This meant I had to get honest with myself. The more self-honesty the better my results, I discovered.
Taking simple steps to find myself was the best path. I bought a new shower curtain to replace the one I did not like, but was always too afraid to say anything in the past. I picked out one to match my color scheme and I loved the design. This brought a sense of self-esteem for the first time. I was on track to fill myself with what I wanted and who I am. That gave me courage to redecorate the whole house. I loved picking out the white couches and light rugs to replace the dark dreary colors that had been the theme. In addition, I took a position teaching metaphysics in a junior college when I retired from public school teaching. I was growing into being true to myself. This fit me well as the new me was emerging.
After a trip to Australia and snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef, I began painting the underwater coral and sea life. This took me to sign up for art lessons, and my art career was ignited from my childhood. I wrote a poem about Sidney, Australia and other experiences in Australia. This propelled my poetry that was included in my first book.
During a poetry convention in New York, where I went to receive a poetry award, I heard about a writing conference in Santa Barbara California. There my writing beyond poetry flowered. I attended for 7 or 8 years, while attending writing classes nearby my home. My first book, “Roses Have Thorns”, was for sale at their conference. I have been writing books ever since and illustrating them, too.
I joined a spiritual study group called Search for God. I was asked to give spiritual programs for them, give readings, and did past life therapy to members and others. I went for new training as a spiritual counselor, psychic/ medium, to also give readings, and talk to those passed over. I became an international board certified regressionist and certified hypnotherapist to do past life regressions. I traveled around the world to spiritual sites with the Edgar Cayce’s A.R.E. In meditation, I was told that this was part of my maturing.
With my new growth in finding myself, I found my lifelong partner in this spiritual study group. My boyfriend and I attended classes for healing through mediumship. He does Pranic Healing and I channel St. John from the Bible for spiritual/emotional information to heal the situation or condition. For many years, we have been available for free weekly healings.
My lessons to be what I wanted in a relationship were new to me. This was a scary step for me. Since he was not a hugger at the time, I had to set the example by hugging. Then, I began sharing my feelings when I realized it was safe to do this. At first, he only said. “Where do you want to go for dinner, or what movie do you want to see?” One night, he ran up the stairs from his hot tub, eager to share with me his answer in meditation. Since then, we have been able to share everything we need to about ourselves and have great communication while trusting each other to be open and honest. My being the example was coming back to me.
The universe has spiritual laws. They are laws of transformation. The most simple of the laws is “Love Transforms”. It means that no matter what kind of a condition, situation, and relationship you are dealing with, when you bring love to that circumstance of life, it will change, it will be lifted, and it will be transformed.
Everything in the earth is ruled by law. We are included in that “everything”, for the universal laws are operating in every experience of our lives, no matter who we are or where we are or what we are doing. The essence and purpose of all universal laws and the reason for their existence is to manifest the infinite love of the Universe to you and to me. When I learned to live with universal laws, I changed and my life changed. I created a new reality around me.
When I apply them to my life, they return wonderful results. I am able to send out loving energy to others and it returns. As I gained in self-esteem, self-respect, caring, thoughtfulness, kindness, compassion, and nurturing I project it out to others. What I give away is what I have. It returns in loving appropriate ways.
My life today is nothing like it was as I grew up, in my marriage of 30 years, or even on my own for fifteen years. It is a life of harmony, joy, and feeling successful within. I have feelings, can trust trustworthy people, and am emotionally available. Today, I know who I am and I am proud of it.
Coming soon my new book, “FINDING REALITY BEYOND FEAR” on Amazon.com.
Web site is Angelicasgifts.com
Blog is marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com
Lectures, interviews, and spiritual information on You Tube at