By The Sussex Newspaper contributor
It’s anything that is done to you to control you beyond your wishes. It’s abuse of your human rights, your right to lead a life free from forced manipulation. Domestic violence comes is many forms – From being dictated to what you wear or how you spend your money to hurting you with violence.
It’s probably the worst kind of crime because it’s done by the very people we love. The people we respect and those we care for. The police handling can never get it right because they care only for the facts not the cause of the problem that is often deep routed. Dishing out punishment alone in court is not the answer nor the best use of resources. It just temporarily halts the behaviour until it resurfaces weeks, months or years later – returning stronger than ever for being restrained and possibly more dangerous then before.
To fully understand domestic violence you need to fully understand the cause. It’s not finding the ‘excuse’ it’s finding the core. Once this is addressed properly not half heartedly then maybe the reduction in DV May finally turn in the right direction.
What happens in our life has an effect on our behaviour, we learn behaviour we are susceptible to misconstruing messages during childhood that ultimately form major parts of our personality and character. From an abuse to lack of love and inappropriate punishment that we as children can not comprehend.
Having been a victim of DV I know the emotional roller coaster that the police make no easier to handle. They forget that for most victims it’s the first time it’s ever happened to them, but the police are blinded by seeing it all the time and seemingly have the assumptions that the perpetrators need locking up.
I was living with my boyfriend when the first incident happened. We were celebrating my friend 40th in a hotel in Brighton. Surrounded by friends and laughing throughout the evening, there was absolutely no reason to think what was about to happen would.
We retired to bed after 2am by 3 pm I was covered in blood having been strangled by the person I loved within seconds of my life. I had ran naked from my room fearing for my life. My life from this moment changed instantly and forever.
I woke up in a single bed in another room and within seconds the nightmare came flooding back. He had been arrested I had been taken to the police station photos had been taken then at 8am when they woke me they took me to a forensic suite where I was medically examined and photographed. I had a marks all around my neck from the tights I’d been wearing, a 1cm rip under my tongue where I’d been gaged and bruises all over my body from fighting to survive.
What hurt the most after this night was his families reaction. The bruises faded but they got progressively worse. Their floodgates came down and they found reasoning in blaming me. Somebody they had no responsibility for. We had been close up to this point but in a flash they’d become judge and jury and shut me out. Their actions shocked me. Now I’m left just pitying them.
I’m not a young girl inexperienced in love. I’d been married for years before I met him. I’d been in love before but I’d never been hurt physically. I knew it was wrong and that statistics show if it happens once it will again. But in my case it wasn’t a regular thing. It worked out once every 2 years. He knew it was wrong too. But it took two goes at me to get him to get the help he needed. Had the first case been handled more appropriately. I believe he’d have got help then.
On top of the animosity from his family who in hindsight were merely making things worse for him. I’d been told he couldn’t come anywhere near me by the law, but I needed to see him, to see his remorse to hear what he had to say. By putting an injunction on him only allows them to hide behind it.
However, The police just wouldn’t allow it and refused to remove the injunction even on my insistence. This is a world unknown to me, as it is to so many other victims. Yet I was expected to play a part I was totally inexperienced in. No one can prepare you for it. Your life, changed forever in an instant. It was the worst time of my life. I felt guilty, I felt it was my fault when clearly it wasn’t. I was confused hurt and distraught. Feeling like everyone who is ever caught up in this will feel.
The man I loved was kept away from me but got in touch saying he couldn’t live with himself and was going to end his life. He tried more than once and in hindsight I know it was his way of pleading me to drop the charges. On top of this I got pressure from his family for me to drop the charges saying he was ill with PTSD and that it would kill him and then I’d be responsible for that. Stupidly I did drop the charge just like millions of others do, because I’m human and to see someone you care about suffer like this was something I just wasn’t trained to handle. Another reason why? I felt my case was just point scoring for the police with no regards to what I was going through or indeed what nightmare he was living either. I was not about to make their charge record look good to the expense of my life or his.
Eventually I forgave him and we carried on. Never really trusting his family since but went along with everyone and just ‘forgot it ever happened’ only it happened again, as predictable as these things do.
This time I wouldn’t drop the charge so his family were even more vile towards me, they ganged up on me and sent disgusting messages, threats and assumptions they knew nothing of. made up lies about me and basically tried to destroy me. I’m not that easily intimidated especially by such low life’s and managed to stand my ground. They got me arrested saying he acted in self defence that I hit him which was ridiculous. They weren’t even there and because of Brighton and the fact I dropped that charge they then accused me of lying about that too. The charge towards me was dropped instantly but not before having the horror of sitting in a cell.
He pleaded guilty at court and even then his family continued saying I made him. Of all the horrendous things I’ve been put through. His family has been the worst of them. Even he doesn’t have anything more to do with them.
From his sentencing which was lenient due to a statement I wrote on his character that 90% of the time he was the perfect boyfriend and his doctors support over his PTSD he got the help he needed and now sees a cognitive behaviour therapist weekly. She’s helping him overcome his learned behaviour, the abuse as a child that these sessions have exposed, and is working well to move his life on. Nothing can be done about his family which was a major thorn and I’ve had to get a police notice on them to stop their harassment towards me which without they’d still be bombarding me with.
Domestic violence is a major problem with statistics that see 3 women a week murdered in the uk alone. But I do believe with better understanding and treating each case differently as it should be, protecting the victim from abuse from their partners friends and family should be given priority. If the victim is made to feel his/her case is being looked at as individual rather than standard operating procedures they may be less likely to withdraw the charge knowing the person she loved will get proper help rather than pointless punishment.
I’m a well educated career minded strong willed character, that had someone predicted my position, I’d have agreed with the ‘leave him to rot’ answer. I would have been so wrong. Don’t judge people who try to stay and help the people who wronged them. After all state of mind is a disease just like any other, and you wouldn’t just walk away from a loved one with cancer would you?
You shouldn’t have to put up with Domestic violence. But as sure as tax and death is, it’s going to happen. It’s how it’s dealt with that will make the difference. And that starts with the police. Better training better, understanding and handling of the victims needs. Because right now it’s usually easier and safer for the victim to drop the charges. And That’s not going to help anyone.
