How do you trust people who are into their own problems and ignore you? I could not rely on my parents because I saw them fight nightly. I decided I would not grow up and be like them. I assumed God was not there for me: I was not good enough. Being naive kept me ignorant. I did not understand life. How do you trust something you cannot see?
I was not born into a family that was rich in emotional balance and wholeness. My parents did not accept me with unconditional love in an environment of security. I did not know how to trust. My image came from going to church and looking good with my perfect attendance pin for 10 years in Sunday school. That would pull me through life. My parents could not model what they did not have.
My best thinking kept me in a prison of fear and survival. My mother married during the Great Depression and her advice to me was “you marry for the man to take care of you.” Marrying my college sweetheart turned out not to be sweet. I had turned my life over to him. He was harming me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
The night I knew, I would not get home alive from a Canadian vacation with my husband; I finally had to get real. I prayed, “God, please help me, I really don’t want to die”. I thought that if I were perfect I would not be hurt; however, my life did not seem to advance that way.
My drunken husband pulled off the road, passing out over the wheel; I felt relief from his manic driving. I left a message for help at the restaurant, where we stopped for coffee in the morning. Five police cars showed up to my cry for assistance. I called my son; he drove me to my minster’s home where again I would feel protected.
Events unfolded that lead me to find a wonderful organization for friends and families for alcoholics. My husband called me and explained that good wives of alcoholics go to Alanon. I had never heard of the group.
However, wanting to be a good wife, I went that evening to my first meeting. This was something new to me. The members were laughing and having a pleasant time. They said, “Keep coming back”. Therefore, I did. Hearing that I was insane surprised me as I had seven years of college however, I knew my life was unmanageable. Therefore, I always tried to look faultless which I thought gave the appearance of being successful in my teaching career, as a mother, and a wife.
I found a woman to guide me through the program. She informed me that I was sicker than most of the women and sent me to a family treatment program at a local hospital. While there, I found myself staying longer as I was told that I was addicted to prescription drugs for my anxiety. The instructor said, “One drink and one pill is six times the effect.”
The first night of inpatient treatment, I was exploring the steps for recovery from addiction from the prescriptions instead of my addiction to my husband. While in the hospital bed, I realized I had been in hell. The only way for me was up. If I turned to a loving power for help and to take care of me, I could move up out of my misery. This seemed like a wonderful idea. My family or husband had not acted as if they cared for me. It seemed like a great answer.
In treatment, I was told a toxic substance is like poison in my body. Therefore, the prescriptions were aiding my demise besides my husband’s t treatment of me. My body had told me I was dying. In addition, I found that mind and mood altering medicines stop emotional growth. I had not grown up.
The light had gone out of my life. It felt like barely a small glow remained inside. I was in a hopeless and desperate place. My misplaced reliance and loyalty on family ironically built a strong bonding while I was looking for the missing love and security for which I longed. I was hanging on tighter for my missing care and security.
Because my parents were not available, I looked to others. However, all family members have their own dysfunctional ways and are not necessarily available emotionally. Sometimes, there are healthier members of the family like aunts, uncles, or grandparents to whom a person can turn. Then you are the fortunate one.
Finding a husband did not work, either. My husband was also needy, abused, and lonely. Emotionally, we were two little scared children. It became necessary to make a decision and take action if I wanted to live. It was time to move beyond survival.
I had to find a divine source to sustain me through the walk out of my darkness, disease of addiction, and hurt. From my experience, it is not possible to mature beyond this type of relationship without a Higher Power. I chose to focus on the invisible powerful source that could love me no matter how terrible and worthless I felt.
Discovering that it is necessary to connect consciously to this positive power was bewildering. If I did not set up the circumstances what could happen? Reluctantly, I had to let go of the outcome. Understanding that I did not have faith was a major revelation because I went to church my whole life. Learning I could not have fear and faith at the same time became a big change.
Through my experimenting with faith, I found partial faith brought partial results. When I decided not to limit myself, I resolutely took my total leap of faith. The consequences manifested from 100% faith bloomed better than I could have predicted. The future is simply infinite possibilities waiting to happen.
I was ready for a better life. It was time to open my heart and get out of my head of fear and past abuse. I realized love is a choice. I preferred to turn my life over to a loving Heavenly Father for unconditional love and my emotional security. Over time, my old idea of God emerged into a positive energy source that supports me in all things. Today, a power greater than myself streams through me bringing the best solutions and resolutions.
Being in the presence of God has become the most important thing in my life. Embracing faith and trust brings better results. Recently my inner voice told me, “You are part of it. You are a part of the love in creation called God.”
I am a psychic/ medium and provide readings. Contact me at marilyn@angelciasgifts.com. For more about me check out my website Angelica’s Gifts, Amazon.com, Youtube, and my blog at marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com. My newsletter is available at http://eepurl.com/73fEH
