In my journey to search for answers to improve my life I learned to acknowledge the problem. I needed hope and faith to move forward in life. The next step was to have courage to proceed with my inner inventory; I was ready to move into a better understanding of my life. I had never been open to anyone about my abuse and being a victim. I thought if I revealed these things, no one would be my friend. I am sure others figured this out, but I was not honest with myself.
I had never shared my secrets with anyone. This was a difficult situation for me. I was afraid that you would not “like me” if you knew what went on at my home. My anxiety of opening up to what I carefully hid for so many years was overwhelming.
Living in my past harms was familiar and I was taught not to spill the beans. I did not know who I was. However, I learned to face my fears when I found a higher power that would love me no matter what I surfaced from my past.
It became necessary to tell the truth with no pretending or hiding the real story. Finding a safe person who understood my breaking through to release my lack of reality, was essential. I had to separate the truth from the false. This was scary because I would no longer look good by wearing a mask. I’d had conversations with my higher power about how awful my life was. I fearlessly wrote out my faults and difficulties from fears and resentments, however, to tell a person was another story.
Fortunately, I found enough courage to open up and expose my hurts and harms of growing up and from my marriage. It was the right time to start my journey of honesty, with me, another person and with my Higher Power. When my friend shared her own story and understood my plight, I was able to see a different perspective on the situation.
Through this encounter, I learned every time I point a finger of blame for my problems towards another person, there are three fingers pointing back at me. I had participated in each event and I had a part in it. If I was blaming others, I was not seeing the real picture. I actually was giving my power to them. I had to take responsibility for my part.
A bigger picture enfolded when I began to understand where I had been selfish, dishonest, fearful and inconsiderate. I had to look at my side of the street. Looking at my faults was a new awareness. I have a favorite quote from A Course in Miracles. “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. It is not necessary to seek for what is true, but it is necessary to seek for what is false.”
My survival had created a selfish person by using others for my security. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I found that my dishonesty was largely with myself. As a child I reacted in fear, but as an adult, I have a choice to respond more appropriately.
My fear came from continuing to emotionally act as a child, avoiding physical hurt like my mother experienced. In doing so I was actually being inconsiderate of myself, by acting in my immaturity. I could no longer use others to be there for me. I gave my power to everyone else to take care of me.
It was time to grow up. I could release my fears as I moved into faith. My new journey is into the light where the darkness of fear is gone. When I am in the present: there is no fear. The more I understood that I could outgrow all my fears and move forward in a new adventure, the fears from the past faded. I cannot have faith and fear at the same time.
I had been reacting from my harmful history or worrying about my future. My worry about financial insecurity was an illusion. I always had eaten and I had a roof over my head. Fortunately, through all the difficulties, I was able to pay my bills. I had taken on my mother’s fear of lack of money from her growing up in the depression.
Sorting out my fears frees me to be present in my current experiences. My feelings of lack of love or security kept me in an emotional prison. I was still alive, even though I had almost died many times. I can open the door, walk out of that mindset, and move into the feelings of love of a heavenly spirit that was protecting me all the time.
Releasing the past and future trips from my head was a gradual victory. I no longer needed to listen to my brain’s messages that kept repeating from events that had no meaning anymore. I learned tools to handle those situations with loving solutions as forgiveness, compassion, gratitude, and unconditional love.
Understanding that I wrote my life’s script to move my energy out of the fear and into unconditional love was a new piece of information. These people played their parts for me to have the opportunity to find forgiveness and change my fear-based life to a love-based life. When I thanked them in meditation for playing their parts, I became free.
Finally, my inner peace can happen. I can forgive my parents totally. I am able to forgive everyone in my life from the past, present, and future, including myself. I needed to forgive the world and forgive God. This was a huge leap of faith for me to trust in a spirit of loving energy and not people. It became obvious to me, I am writing a new script for my life using affirmation of the truth knowing I am safe today.
The consequences of this change of focus means that I can now experience serenity rather than conflict. I know how to focus on love rather than fear, guilt, and shame. I can choose to be a love-finder rather than a fault-finder. I am capable of being a love-giver instead of a love-seeker. I am able to transform into being love.
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